Understanding Responsibility and People Pleasing
May people want to learn how to say no to others without feeling guilty. Keep in mind that each person is responsible for their own feelings and the consequences of their behaviour. However, it can be tempting to take on someone else’s emotions, especially if you want to keep the peace. People pleasing is a common response, and it often becomes the heart of “fawning.” Fawning means you try to avoid conflict by doing what others want, even if it hurts you, and this often appears in codependent relationships. Still, it is important to remember you are not responsible for fixing how others feel.
A Compassionate Example: The Demanding Parent
Imagine an adult child whose parent always expects them to visit every weekend. Sometimes, the parent complains or becomes upset if plans change, and the adult child feels guilty. So, the child says yes, even when they are exhausted or have other plans. Over time, this pattern leads to resentment and fatigue, yet the cycle continues. In this situation, compassion means understanding both the parent’s disappointment and the child’s need for boundaries.
The “Let Them and Let Me” Theory
The “let them and let me” theory encourages you to let others feel what they feel, while you stay true to yourself. In other words, when you learn how to say no, you can let them be upset, and let yourself be authentic. This approach values honesty and accepts that you might disappoint others sometimes. But, it is better to live honestly than to lose yourself trying to please everyone. Authenticity matters because it helps you build real, trusting relationships.
Authenticity versus Selfishness
Some people worry that being authentic is selfish, especially when someone else is disappointed. Instead, it is necessary when meeting others’ needs would harm you or take time from those who rely on you. For example, if helping a friend means missing your child’s school play, your authentic choice might disappoint your friend. Still, it protects what matters most to you. Authenticity means caring for yourself and honouring your values, not ignoring others.
Understanding Enabling: What It Means and Why It Matters
Enabling occurs when you repeatedly help someone avoid the natural consequences of their actions, often with good intentions but unhealthy results. This behaviour may look like covering for a loved one’s mistakes, making excuses for their behaviour, or stepping in to solve their problems instead of encouraging them to learn how to say no and take responsibility. While enabling can feel like an act of care or support, it usually prevents the other person from learning and growing through their own experiences.
Enabling is different from true support. Support empowers others to make their own choices and face outcomes, while enabling shields them from discomfort and responsibility. Over time, enabling can reinforce patterns of dependency, avoidance, or even harm. For example, constantly rescuing a friend from financial trouble may prevent them from taking steps to manage money responsibly. Recognizing enabling is the first step in fostering healthier boundaries, encouraging accountability, and supporting real change in relationships.
Understanding Codependency and Discomfort When Saying No
Codependency is a relational pattern where a person consistently puts others’ needs ahead of their own and derives their self-worth from pleasing or caretaking others. This often leads to discomfort, guilt, or anxiety when setting boundaries or saying no, as the fear of upsetting others feels overwhelming. Codependent individuals may struggle to separate their emotions from those of the people around them, feeling responsible for others’ happiness and often neglecting their own well-being.
Recognizing codependency involves noticing certain signs: difficulty asserting your needs, feeling anxious about others’ reactions, a tendency to “fix” or rescue people, and discomfort with conflict or disapproval. You might find yourself saying yes when you want to say no, or feeling uneasy when others are unhappy, as though their feelings are your responsibility. Learning how to say no is an important skill for breaking this pattern and supporting your own well-being.
1. Set Clear Boundaries
Practice stating your needs and limits kindly but firmly, even if it feels awkward at first. Healthy boundaries help you honour your values and protect your emotional well-being.
2. Notice Your Triggers
Pay attention to situations that make you feel compelled to please or rescue others. Self-awareness gives you the space to pause and choose a response that aligns with your authentic self.
3. Separate Your Feelings
Remind yourself that others’ discomfort belongs to them, not you. Your responsibility is to respect your own values rather than manage someone else’s emotional reactions.
4. Seek Support
Talk with trusted friends, a counsellor, or a support group to build confidence in setting boundaries. Support from others can reinforce your growth and help you break codependent patterns.
5. Practise Self-Compassion
Be gentle with yourself as you learn to tolerate discomfort and prioritize your well-being. Every small step you take towards self-care is valuable and contributes to your emotional strength.
By recognizing codependency and taking small steps to honour your own needs, you can foster healthier relationships and experience greater emotional freedom.
Living Wholeheartedly: Acting in Your Best Interest
Choosing authenticity when it matters is an act of wholehearted living. This means you show up as yourself, even when it feels uncomfortable. Over time, staying true to yourself builds self-trust and resilience. When you make decisions from your heart, you are more likely to feel fulfilled. Ultimately, living wholeheartedly is in your best interest because it allows you to thrive, not just survive.
Learn How to Say No Assertively: Five Approaches
Saying no can feel intimidating, especially if you are used to pleasing others or fear disappointing them. However, learning to express your boundaries clearly and kindly is an essential skill for wholehearted living. Below are five practical ways to say no assertively, each with guidance to help you communicate your limits with confidence and respect.
1. The Direct “No”
Sometimes, the most effective way is to state your answer simply and clearly: “No, I can’t do that” or “No, that does not work for me right now”. This approach doesn’t require lengthy explanations or apologies. By keeping your response brief, you show that your decision is firm and thoughtful. It signals self-respect and lets others know you value your own needs. Using a calm and steady tone helps to convey your message with kindness and clarity.
2. The “Sandwich” Technique
This method involves surrounding your “no” with appreciation and, if appropriate, a positive statement. For example, you might say, “Thank you for thinking of me, but I can’t commit to that right now. I hope you find the help you need.” This style softens the refusal while maintaining your boundary. It reassures the other person that your decision isn’t personal. The “sandwich” technique is especially useful in situations where you want to preserve goodwill.
3. The “Not Right Now” Response
If the request isn’t possible at the moment, but you wish to consider it in the future, use a gentle deferral. You could say, “I’m unable to help at this time, but please check with me again later.” This response acknowledges the ask while honouring your current capacity. It provides flexibility without obligating you. Remember, you are allowed to reassess your availability as circumstances change.
4. The “Alternative Suggestion”
When you cannot help, but want to offer support in another way, suggest an alternative. Try saying, “I can’t attend the meeting, but I’m happy to review the notes afterward.” This shows you’re willing to help within your limits. It makes your boundary clear while expressing goodwill. Providing alternatives can ease disappointment and demonstrate your desire to contribute thoughtfully.
5. The “Values-Based” No
Linking your refusal to your personal values or priorities can strengthen your resolve. For instance, “I’ve committed to spending evenings with my family, so I can’t take on extra work just now.” Sharing your “why” offers transparency and often reduces misunderstandings. This approach reinforces the importance of self-care and authenticity. It reminds both you and others that your boundaries are an extension of what matters most to you.
Top Ten Ways to Sit with the Discomfort of Someone’s Response
1. Breathe Deeply
Take a slow, deep breath when you notice discomfort rising. This simple action calms your body, and it gives you a moment to pause. In that brief space, you can remind yourself that feelings pass. Even if the other person is upset, you can stay present. Focusing on your breath helps you manage stress and remain grounded.
2. Acknowledge Your Feelings
Notice what you are feeling—perhaps guilt, worry, or fear—and name it quietly inside. Then, accept that these emotions are normal when you set boundaries. By allowing your feelings, you reduce their power over you. In time, you will learn that it is okay to feel uncomfortable. Self-acceptance is a key step in growing stronger emotionally.
3. Remind Yourself of Your “Why”
Think about why you made your decision, and repeat it to yourself. Maybe you need rest, or you want to spend time with loved ones. Having a clear reason helps you stay steady, even if others react strongly. Remember, your choices reflect your values. Holding onto your “why” supports your confidence and reduces second-guessing.
4. Practise Compassion for the Other Person
Imagine how the other person might feel and offer them silent understanding. However, do not take responsibility for making them feel better. Compassion means caring without fixing. If you acknowledge their disappointment, you can still stay true to your needs. This balance nurtures both kindness and self-respect.
5. Avoid Explaining Excessively
It is tempting to over-explain your decision, hoping it will soften the other person’s reaction. Still, too much explanation can weaken your boundary. Instead, state your choice simply and kindly, then stop. This shows respect for both yourself and the other person. Over time, you will grow more comfortable with silence and space.
6. Seek Support from Trusted People
If the discomfort feels overwhelming, reach out to someone you trust. Sometimes, sharing your experience helps you process emotions and gain perspective. Knowing you are not alone makes a big difference. A supportive friend can remind you that your needs matter too. Connection builds courage for next time.
7. Allow Time for Emotions to Settle
Remember, feelings often soften with time, both for you and the other person. It may take a few hours or days for everyone to adjust. While you wait, practise patience and self-care. Trust that discomfort will fade, and you will feel more at ease soon. Waiting is part of the process of change.
8. Reflect on Your Growth
Take a moment to notice your progress, even if it feels small. Saying no or not right now is difficult, yet you did it anyway. Each time you practise, you build resilience and self-trust. Celebrate your effort and let yourself feel proud. Growth comes from facing discomfort, not avoiding it.
9. Reframe Your Thinking
Shift your perspective from “I am letting them down” to “I am caring for myself.” This new way of thinking empowers you to make healthy choices. Even though it is hard, you are setting a positive example for others. Reframing helps reduce guilt and increases self-acceptance. Positive self-talk supports lasting change.
10. Remember That Disappointment Is Normal
Everyone feels disappointed sometimes, and that is okay. You cannot control another person’s emotions, nor should you. Accepting that disappointment is part of life brings freedom. When you let others have their feelings, you honour both them and yourself. This acceptance is a powerful tool for building stronger relationships.
Conclusion: Building Comfort and Honouring Your Needs
Sitting with upset people takes practice, yet it gets easier with time. The more you use these skills, the more comfortable you become with others’ feelings. Remember, your needs are important, and disappointing others is sometimes necessary for your well-being. Living authentically is not selfish—it is an act of self-respect. As Brené Brown says, “Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day. It’s about the choice to show up and be real. The choice to be honest. The choice to let our true selves be seen.”
About
Heather Caruso is a compassionate, skilled, and intuitive therapist. She is a registered Canadian art therapist, registered psychotherapist, narcissistic abuse therapist, specializing in trauma counseling and adult children of narcissistic, dysfunctional and or emotionally immature parents. She offers a unique blend of therapeutic approaches to help her clients navigate their healing journeys. Heather’s deep empathy and expertise create a safe and nurturing environment for those dealing with a mental health issue. Her areas of expertise are anxiety, depression, grief, low self esteem, stress management, trauma, PTSD and navigating big life changes. Heather offers one on one sessions for people from Ontario.
To support individuals in finding the right therapeutic path for their unique needs, she offers a free Zoom chat where people can ask questions and determine if her therapy services are a good fit for their needs. To book an appointment, call the office at 519 830 7123 or use this link to contact us.