Why Do I Keep Attracting Narcissists?
Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a mental health condition. According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), individuals with this disorder typically display a pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behaviour), an overwhelming need for admiration, and a lack of empathy for others. Some of the key traits outlined in the DSM include having an exaggerated sense of self-importance, expecting to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements, being preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love, and believing they are unique or special and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other high-status people or institutions.
Additional DSM criteria for narcissistic personality disorder include a constant need for excessive admiration and a strong sense of entitlement. Individuals may exploit others in relationships, lack empathy, and often display envy or believe others are envious of them. These traits are frequently accompanied by arrogant or haughty attitudes. It’s important to understand the patterns behind this behaviour.
Cluster B Personality Disorders and the Population
Cluster B personality disorders, according to mental health research, affect approximately 1–6% of the general population. At the upper end, this means for every 20 people you meet, 1 of them may have a personality disorder. This is a high percentage. This group includes narcissistic, borderline, histrionic, psychopathic and antisocial personality disorders.
Overlap in Cluster B Personality Disorders
Each disorder has its unique features, but there is a significant overlap in traits such as emotional volatility, impulsivity, and difficulties in maintaining healthy relationships. For example, individuals with borderline personality disorder may also exhibit manipulative behaviours seen in narcissism, while those with histrionic personality disorder often seek excessive attention, similar to narcissists. According to Sandra Brown’s research there is a 25% over lap in symptoms between most cluster B personality disorders.
Narcissists Are Attracted to a Variety of People
Attracting a narcissist is not uncommon, and it is important to have compassion for yourself, as narcissists are drawn to all kinds of people. However, research shows that individuals with traits such as high empathy or people-pleasing tendencies are more likely to be in long-term relationships with narcissists and are especially vulnerable to narcissistic abuse. Recognizing these patterns can help people set healthier boundaries and protect themselves in future relationships.
The Top Seven Assumptions as to Why People Attract Narcissists
Many theories attempt to explain why certain people attract narcissists into their lives. Meanwhile, here are seven common assumptions that aim to shed light on this pattern. While these factors sometimes play a role, it’s essential to note that having one or more of these traits does not guarantee you will attract narcissists, nor does it place blame on you if it happens. Ultimately, these assumptions provide insights into possible vulnerabilities, but human relationships remain complex, influenced by many factors. Consider this information as a tool for self-reflection and boundary-setting, not as a strict set of rules or a source of self-judgement.
1. People-Pleasing Tendencies
People-pleasers strive to avoid conflict and seek to make others happy. Meanwhile, this behaviour often begins in childhood, especially for those raised by narcissistic parents or caregivers. In these environments, a child’s worth is not seen as inherent but is instead tied to meeting others’ expectations or earning approval through actions and achievements. Over time, this leads to the belief that love must be earned and that saying no or asserting needs might risk rejection or disappointment.
Psychologically, people-pleasing roots itself in a desire for acceptance and safety. However, this often develops as a coping mechanism in response to unpredictable or critical environments. Narcissists recognize and exploit people-pleasers’ eagerness to avoid conflict and their fear of letting others down, often demanding more and more. In the middle of trying to please everyone, boundaries fade and self-care is neglected. Learning to say no and recognizing your inherent worth becomes crucial for maintaining healthy relationships and protecting yourself from manipulation.
2. Fear of Being Alone or Abandoned
It is natural and deeply human to fear loneliness or abandonment. Meanwhile, these feelings often have roots in complex trauma, challenging family experiences, or struggles like borderline personality disorder. These fears make relationships feel overwhelming and sometimes lead people to accept unhealthy dynamics in hopes of staying connected. Narcissists sense this vulnerability and gravitate toward those who long for closeness, knowing they may have difficulty setting boundaries or recognizing manipulative behaviour.
3. Lack of Boundaries
Poor boundaries make it easy for narcissists to invade your life. Meanwhile, they push limits and test your willingness to stand up for yourself. When boundaries are weak, manipulation grows. You might wonder, “why do I keep attracting narcissists?” This pattern repeats until you build stronger boundaries. Over time, setting limits becomes a vital skill that leads to healthier relationships.
4. Low Self Esteem
Low self-esteem leaves individuals especially vulnerable to narcissists, who are drawn to those struggling to recognize and value their own worth. Meanwhile, people with low self-esteem may not speak up for their needs or address problematic behaviours, fearing rejection or believing their needs are not as important. They may falsely believe that they don’t deserve better. This leads to tolerating disrespect, manipulation, or emotional neglect. The desire for validation or acceptance, paired with difficulty asserting boundaries, keeps them in unhealthy relationships, even when they sense something is wrong.
5. Past Trauma
Trauma from earlier relationships creates vulnerabilities. Meanwhile, narcissists sense unresolved pain and use it to their advantage. While healing, triggers may be overlooked. The question “why do I keep attracting narcissists?” echoes in your mind. Past wounds affect present choices in partners. However, healing is possible with time and support.
6. Desire to Fix Others
Some people feel compelled to fix those around them. Meanwhile, narcissists pretend to need help, especially covert narcissists, drawing in the fixers. Halfway through, the desire to help overrides judgement. Fixing others rarely works at all, let alone with narcissists.
7. Having Narcissistic Parents
Growing up with narcissistic parents shapes your expectations and patterns in relationships. Meanwhile, you become accustomed to emotional manipulation or constant criticism, making these behaviours feel “normal” in adulthood. As a result, the question “why do I keep attracting narcissists?” often traces back to family dynamics. These behaviours seem like love growing up. Recognizing these patterns serves as the first step toward breaking the cycle and building healthier connections.
Sandra Brown’s Super Traits Research
Sandra L. Brown, MA, author of Women Who Love Psychopaths and founder of The Institute for Recovery for Survivors of Pathological/Toxic Relationships, explores why some people attract narcissists more often. She shares her findings and insights at saferelationshipsmagazine.com. Importantly, her research highlights the concept of “Super Traits” natural personality traits, not behaviours learned like codependency.
What Are 10 Researched “Super Traits” of People Who Tend to Get into Pathological Love Relationships?
According to Brown’s research, Super Traits are a natural part of who you are. They are ingrained in your personality from birth, not something you learn or develop through experiences like codependency. These traits, such as empathy, generosity, and integrity, shape how you interact with others, often instinctively. It is important to recognize that these qualities are strengths and form the foundation of fulfilling, healthy relationships; they are also traits of people who succeed in their careers.
If you find yourself entangled with someone exhibiting narcissistic behaviours, know that it is not your fault; your positive traits are not a weakness. Understanding Super Traits empowers you to better recognize situations where your compassion or willingness to cooperate gets taken advantage of. With this awareness, you set healthy boundaries and make informed choices in future relationships, especially when encountering someone with psychopathic or narcissistic personality disorder. Ultimately, this knowledge serves as a tool to support your growth, self-protection, and wellbeing as you move forward.
1. Agreeableness. The Relationship Investment Trait
Agreeableness shows up as trust, empathy, and a strong desire to help. Narcissists seek out people high in Agreeableness because they are generous and patient. Meanwhile, these individuals overlook red flags, believing in the best in others. This makes them more vulnerable to manipulation.
Avoiding confrontation is common in many relationships. Narcissists exploit this by pushing boundaries further. In the middle of tension, silence replaces healthy communication. The question “why do I keep attracting narcissists?” signals that avoidance is not working. Facing issues directly becomes necessary. Gradually, confidence in confrontation grows.
2. Conscientiousness. The Integrity-Driven Life Trait
Conscientiousness means being reliable, responsible, and loyal. Survivors with this trait stick with relationships, hoping for improvement. Their commitment to doing what’s right keeps them invested, even when faced with unhealthy dynamics. Because conscientious people strive to act with integrity and fairness, they naturally give others the benefit of the doubt, believing in their capacity for change. This tendency to see the good in others, combined with a strong sense of duty, makes it difficult for them to recognize manipulation or walk away from relationships with narcissists.
3. High-normal Trust
Individuals with high-normal trust are naturally trusting of others and are themselves trustworthy. They tend to be optimistic about human nature and often view others through the lens of their own integrity, which can sometimes lead to projection. Trusting others is seen as a virtue. Narcissists misuse trust, gaining access to your life easily. In the middle of betrayal, trust fades and suspicion grows. You start to wonder, “why do I keep attracting narcissists?” Trust is important, but caution matters too. Learning discernment strengthens trust. Eventually, trust rebuilds with care.
4. High-normal Straight Forwardness
People with this trait are upfront, honest, and confiding. Their openness sometimes results in sharing too much personal information, making them vulnerable to exploitation. Because they tend to be straightforward themselves, they naturally expect honesty and directness from others. This belief that others act with the same integrity sometimes leads to misplaced trust, especially in relationships with those who may not share these values.
5. High-normal Giving Nature
Those with a giving nature are altruistic and often put others’ needs ahead of their own. They are deeply considerate, sentimental, and willing to compromise their own interests for the benefit of others. In relationships with narcissists, this generosity gets exploited, as narcissists continually demand more without reciprocating. People with super traits who invest so much in others do not pull the plug on the relationship as quickly.
6. High-normal Cooperativeness
Cooperative individuals are motivated by social harmony and prefer assisting others over confrontation. They value getting along with people, avoid conflict, and are particularly sociable and helpful, often participating in sharing, donating, and volunteering. Cooperativeness is a wonderful trait, as fostering positive relationships and working well with others contributes to a supportive, unified community. The ability to get along with people is highly regarded and opens doors in both personal and professional life. However, when facing narcissistic abuse, this strong desire to maintain harmony and avoid conflict leaves cooperative individuals vulnerable, as narcissists exploit their willingness to compromise and keep the peace.
7. High-normal Humbleness
Those who display high-normal humbleness are modest, gentle, well-tempered, and approachable. Their warmth and likability make them easy to connect with. In relationships with narcissists, this modesty creates a striking contrast to the narcissist’s large ego, as humble individuals defer to others and avoid self-promotion. While this humility fosters harmony and reduces conflict, it also makes it harder for them to assert their own needs or recognize when their generosity is being taken for granted. Compassionately, it is important to understand that such humility stems from a genuine desire for positive connections, yet it may leave these individuals especially vulnerable to those who seek constant admiration and dominance.
8. Empathetic
Empathetic individuals are tender-minded, kind, and compassionate. They are generous, act as peacemakers in conflict, and are quick to forgive others. Empathetic people care deeply about others, and their generosity is a strength. It is natural and understandable to want to see the best in those around you and to offer help and support. This kindness and hopefulness are admirable qualities that make the world a better place. Unfortunately, narcissists get drawn to this warmth, as empathy sometimes makes it easier for them to take advantage of your good nature. Many empaths offer others the benefit of the doubt and extend grace, often hoping for positive change. The desire to help is never a flaw, but it sometimes makes it harder to notice red flags or manipulative behaviours until later on. Still, with self-awareness and compassion for yourself, you protect your generous spirit while staying safe and setting healthy boundaries.
9. High-Normal Loyalty
Those with high-normal loyalty are deeply faithful and committed to the obligations and people in their lives. Their allegiance to others is unwavering. When loyalty pairs with a cooperative and generous nature, individuals persist in relationships longer than is healthy, often prioritizing others’ needs and harmony over their own well-being. This steadfastness makes it challenging to recognize when their loyalty is being misused, especially by narcissists who thrive on ongoing devotion and rarely reciprocate. Narcissistic partners exploit loyal individuals’ reluctance to end relationships, using their commitment as leverage to maintain control and avoid accountability.
10. High-normal Tolerance
Individuals with high-normal tolerance accept a wide range of opinions and behaviours. Their openness supports healthy connections with people from diverse backgrounds. However, this same adaptability sometimes makes it challenging for them to notice or address unhealthy dynamics with narcissistic partners. Because they show such patience and acceptance, tolerant people may miss warning signs or continue excusing harmful actions, resulting in them remaining in relationships with narcissists longer than is beneficial for their own well-being.
Why Super Traits Matter
Understanding Super Traits allows you to identify patterns in your relationships. This awareness enables you to set boundaries and safeguard yourself against exploitation. Most importantly, you recognize these traits as part of your natural character, not as weaknesses, which empowers you throughout your healing journey.
Based on Sandra L. Brown, MA, Women Who Love Psychopaths, The Institute—Recovery for Survivors of Pathological/Toxic Relationships, and saferelationshipsmagazine.com.
Conclusion
Although traits like empathy, loyalty, tolerance, and humbleness are steady parts of who you are, reaching out to a therapist who specializes in narcissistic abuse and trauma makes a real difference. Therapy offers a safe space to process painful experiences, learn how to set healthy boundaries, and spot red flags in relationships. A skilled therapist helps you understand what a healthy relationship looks like, provides practical coping tools, and shares knowledge about cluster B personality disorders. With the right support, you protect your well-being and grow stronger while staying true to your caring nature.
Having the self-awareness to ask yourself “why do I keep attracting narcissists?” is the first step to change. Recognizing common patterns leads to healthier relationships. Empathy and kindness are strengths, not weaknesses. With knowledge and support, you break the cycle. Remember, you deserve respectful and caring relationships. Stay aware, trust yourself, be authentically you, and seek help when needed.
About
Heather Caruso is a compassionate, skilled, and intuitive therapist. She is a registered Canadian art therapist, registered psychotherapist, narcissistic abuse therapist, specializing in trauma counseling and adult children of narcissistic, dysfunctional and or emotionally immature parents. She offers a unique blend of therapeutic approaches to help her clients navigate their healing journeys. Heather’s deep empathy and expertise create a safe and nurturing environment for those dealing with a mental health issue. Her areas of expertise are anxiety, depression, grief, low self esteem, stress management, trauma, PTSD and navigating big life changes. Heather offers one on one sessions for people from Ontario.
To support individuals in finding the right therapeutic path for their unique needs, she offers a free Zoom chat where people can ask questions and determine if her therapy services are a good fit for their needs. To book an appointment, call the office at 519 830 7123 or use this link to contact us.