When “Forgive and Forget” Causes Harm
The myth of forgiveness often pressures trauma survivors to move on before they feel safe. This pressure can silence their pain and invalidate their lived experience. Many survivors internalize the message that healing requires immediate forgiveness, yet this belief can deepen wounds. However, trauma healing requires time, safety, and acknowledgment. Survivors may feel confused when forgiveness is framed as a moral obligation rather than a personal choice. This confusion can create shame instead of empowerment.
The myth of forgiveness also suggests that forgetting is a sign of emotional maturity. This idea can push survivors to suppress memories that need gentle processing. It can also imply that remembering is a failure, which is deeply untrue. Meanwhile, the nervous system continues to hold the impact of trauma, regardless of external expectations. Survivors may feel pressured to bypass their own healing needs. This bypassing can delay recovery and reinforce self-blame.
The myth of forgiveness can also minimize the seriousness of what happened. Survivors may hear that “everyone makes mistakes,” which can distort accountability. This distortion can leave them feeling unseen and unsupported. Furthermore, it can create a false equivalence between everyday conflict and traumatic harm. Survivors deserve space to name what happened without being rushed. That space is essential for reclaiming power and agency.
What Is Forgiveness?
According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, forgiveness is defined as “the act of forgiving,” specifically “the process of ceasing to feel resentment against an offender.” It also refers to “the pardon of an offense, debt, or obligation.” This definition highlights the emotional and practical aspects of forgiveness, emphasizing the intentional release of negative feelings and the act of pardoning wrongdoing.
Forgiveness is a complex and deeply personal process that involves a conscious decision to release feelings of resentment, anger, and the desire for revenge toward someone who has caused harm. It is not simply condoning or excusing harmful behaviour, nor does it mean forgetting or minimizing the impact of trauma. Instead, forgiveness allows individuals to shift their emotional burden, making room for healing and growth without necessarily reconciling or restoring the relationship with the person who caused the harm.
True forgiveness is not a single act but an ongoing journey. It respects the survivor’s boundaries and acknowledges the reality of what happened. This process may involve confronting painful memories, expressing emotions, and finding ways to reclaim personal power. Importantly, forgiveness is a choice that belongs solely to the survivor, and it should not be imposed as a requirement for recovery. The act of forgiving is distinct from seeking justice or accountability—it is about honouring one’s own healing needs and restoring a sense of peace and agency within oneself.
Where the Myth of Forgiveness Comes From
1. Cultural Narratives
Cultural narratives often glorify forgiveness as the highest virtue. These narratives can make survivors feel obligated to forgive even when they are not ready. They may hear stories that frame forgiveness as the only path to peace. However, these stories rarely acknowledge the complexity of trauma. Survivors need space to define healing on their own terms. That space allows them to reclaim their voice.
Forgiveness is often portrayed in cultural stories as a heroic act. In films, a protagonist forgives a betrayer and finds peace, even when the pain runs deep. Many Canadian communities share tales of neighbours resolving disputes over a cup of coffee, suggesting harmony is achieved by letting go of past wrongs. Folklore may feature elders who forgive past injustices for the sake of community unity. Television shows and novels regularly depict characters who forgive quickly, reinforcing the idea that forgiveness leads to emotional freedom. These examples shape expectations and can make survivors feel pressure to conform, even when their healing requires more time.
2. Religious Teachings
Many religious traditions emphasize forgiveness as a moral duty. Survivors may feel pressured to forgive to be seen as good or faithful. This pressure can override their emotional safety. Meanwhile, spiritual teachings can be interpreted in ways that ignore trauma. Survivors deserve interpretations that honour their pain. Compassionate spirituality supports choice, not coercion.
For example, in some communities religious beliefs teach that it is a sin to divorce, regardless of the pain or harm experienced in a marriage. People are told to forgive their partner, stay together, and preserve the family at all costs. Others grow up with proverbs like “forgive and forget” or hear that “holding a grudge poisons the soul,” even when their wounds are deep. These messages circulate in everyday conversations, in places of worship, and in media. Each one can silence survivors and discourage them from seeking support. Compassion means honouring the truth and letting survivors choose their own path to healing.
3. Family Systems
Families often encourage forgiveness to maintain harmony. Survivors may be told not to “cause trouble” by speaking up. This dynamic can silence their truth. Furthermore, families may prioritize image over healing. Survivors need environments that value honesty and safety. Those environments help break cycles of harm. The belief that one must always honour their parents, or that “blood is thicker than water,” can further pressure survivors to remain loyal, regardless of the harm experienced. Yet, such expectations ignore when family behaviour has been anything but nurturing, and instead has been abusive or traumatizing.
In some families, forgiveness is used to cover up harmful patterns. Parents may urge siblings to “forgive and forget” after repeated betrayals. In enabling homes, one person’s destructive actions are excused, while others are told to “let it go” for the sake of family peace. Codependent relatives smooth over conflict, never addressing the root causes. In families that hide abuse, speaking out is seen as disloyal, and the survivor is pressured to forgive without justice. This approach keeps cycles of harm unbroken and leaves survivors isolated. All the while the abuser is enabled to carry on.
4. Pop Psychology
Pop psychology often promotes quick fixes for emotional pain. Survivors may hear that forgiveness is the key to happiness. This message can feel dismissive and simplistic. However, trauma healing is not a one-step process. Survivors need nuanced support that honours their complexity. True healing respects their pace.
One common pop psychology trend is the promotion of “radical forgiveness” as a solution for personal growth and negative events are more fate. Websites often claim that forgiving others instantly leads to happiness and emotional freedom. They highlight testimonials from people who say forgiveness changed their lives overnight. These stories get shared widely on social media and self-help blogs. The message is clear: holding onto anger supposedly blocks your success. However, this approach oversimplifies trauma and ignores the need for gradual healing.
5. Social Pressure
Society often celebrates people who forgive publicly. Survivors may feel compared to others who appear to forgive easily. This comparison can create unnecessary shame. Meanwhile, every survivor’s journey is unique. They deserve permission to heal in their own way. That permission fosters resilience.
Social pressure around forgiveness is visible in many public spaces. A survivor shares their story at a community event. People praise them for forgiving someone who hurt them. Others in the audience feel they must do the same. The expectation to forgive is strong and hard to resist. Many survivors struggle with shame when they do not forgive as quickly or publicly as others.
Ten Trauma‑Friendly Ways to Reframe Forgiveness
1. Forgiveness as Optional
Forgiveness is a choice, not a requirement. Survivors can heal without forgiving the person who harmed them. This truth can feel liberating. Meanwhile, choosing not to forgive can be an act of self-respect. Survivors deserve autonomy over their healing. Autonomy strengthens their sense of safety.
2. Forgiveness as Internal, Not Interpersonal
Forgiveness does not require reconciliation. Survivors can focus on their own emotional clarity instead. This shift removes pressure to reconnect with unsafe people. However, survivors may still need boundaries to feel secure. Boundaries protect their healing process. Protection is a form of empowerment.
3. Forgiveness as a Long-Term Process
Forgiveness, if chosen, can unfold slowly. Survivors do not need to rush or meet anyone’s timeline. This pacing honours their nervous system. Meanwhile, slow healing allows deeper integration. Survivors can revisit their feelings as needed. Revisiting supports emotional honesty.
4. Forgiveness of Oneself
Forgiveness can mean forgiving yourself and releasing self-blame rather than excusing harm. Survivors often carry guilt that does not belong to them. This reframing can lighten emotional burdens. However, self-compassion takes practice. Survivors deserve gentle encouragement. Encouragement nurtures healing.
5. Choosing Healthy Boundaries to Cope
Instead of forgiveness, people can set boundaries for safety and healthy distance. Rather than forgiving and forgetting, survivors may have learned that they feel safer when they limit contact. This choice protects their emotional well-being. Meanwhile, boundaries are acts of courage. Survivors can honour their needs without apology. Honouring needs builds strength.
6. Understanding, Not Approval
Survivors can understand what happened without condoning it. This understanding can help them make sense of their story. It does not excuse the harm. However, clarity can support emotional grounding. For example, you can understand someone growing up with an abusive parent, may become abusive. However, it doesn’t excuse their choice to carry abuse on and the impacts of their behavior on you. Survivors deserve to feel steady in their truth. Steadiness fosters empowerment.
7. Personal Meaning-Making
Survivors may take their experience and find ways that it can shift their values or create personal growth. This definition may differ from cultural expectations. Personal meaning matters. Meanwhile, survivors can explore what feels authentic. Authenticity supports long-term healing. Healing thrives in honesty.
8. Forgiveness as Irrelevant
Sometimes forgiveness is simply not part of the healing journey. Survivors may find peace through boundaries, therapy, or self-connection. This path is equally valid. However, society may not always understand this choice. Survivors deserve validation regardless. Validation strengthens recovery.
9. Reclaiming Emotional Space
Sometimes, healing means refusing to let the abuser’s actions continue to dominate your thoughts or feelings. Survivors can focus on regaining control of their emotions and mental space, freeing themselves from ongoing influence or distress. This act of reclaiming autonomy supports inner peace and personal resilience.
10. Acceptance of Human Flaws
Acceptance can mean recognising that the person seeking forgiveness is flawed and may never change. Letting go of the expectation that they will transform or apologize can offer relief and closure. This acceptance is not about condoning harm, but about freeing yourself from the hope or pressure to fix what cannot be fixed and moving forward with self-respect and clarity.
The Shame Placed on Trauma Survivors
The myth of forgiveness often creates shame for survivors who cannot or do not want to forgive. This shame can feel heavy and isolating. People who judge others for people not forgiving or going no contact, often do not understand the depths of abuse or the impacts of the trauma. Whilst it seems like a virtue to forgive, some people’s behaviours are sociopathic and don’t deserve absolution.
However, survivors may believe they are failing at healing. However, their reactions are normal responses to abnormal harm. They are not responsible for the actions of those who hurt them. Their healing deserves compassion, not judgment. Shame can also arise when survivors compare themselves to others. They may feel behind or inadequate. These comparisons are unfair and unhelpful. Meanwhile, healing is not a competition. Every survivor’s path is unique and valid. Their worth is never defined by forgiveness.
The Benefits of Trauma Therapy
Trauma therapy offers survivors a supportive environment to process what has happened to them. Rather than pressuring people to forgive, it helps them unpack their experiences at their own pace. Therapists guide clients through emotions, memories, and beliefs that might otherwise remain stuck. This approach reduces the negative impact that past trauma can have on daily life. Instead of ignoring pain or forcing forgiveness, therapy validates feelings and builds coping skills. The focus is on healing, not meeting outside expectations.
Through trauma therapy, individuals learn coping tools to handle triggers and manage stress. Therapy also aims to improve self-understanding and fosters a sense of control over one’s own healing. People learn healthier ways to relate to themselves and others. Progress may come slowly, but every step builds resilience. Over time, therapy helps survivors regain a sense of safety and confidence. The ultimate goal is for past trauma to lose its power to define the present.
- Provides a safe space to discuss difficult memories and feelings.
- Teaches coping strategies to manage anxiety, sadness, and anger.
- Helps identify and challenge unhelpful thoughts related to trauma.
- Encourages healthy boundaries and improves relationships.
- Reduces feelings of isolation and shame.
- Supports the development of self-compassion and self-worth.
- Improves sleep, concentration, and overall well-being.
- Assists in building resilience and emotional stability.
- Promotes recovery through evidence-based techniques like brainspotting therapy, which uses guided eye movements to help the brain process and release traumatic memories.
- Empowers individuals to regain control over their lives and choices.
- Helps trauma survivors with emotional regulation
- Allows people the space to share their feelings without judgement
Conclusion
The myth of forgiveness can harm trauma survivors by pressuring them to move on before they feel safe. It stems from cultural, religious, familial, and social narratives that oversimplify healing. Survivors benefit from reframing forgiveness in ways that release their abusers impact on them emotionally, not absolve them of their harmful behavior. Forgiveness can be self directed and honour autonomy, boundaries, and your emotional truth. Meanwhile, releasing shame allows survivors to reclaim their power. Healing is not about meeting external expectations. It is about creating safety, choice, and compassion within.
About
Heather Caruso is a compassionate, skilled, and intuitive therapist. She is a registered Canadian art therapist, registered psychotherapist, narcissistic abuse therapist, specializing in trauma counseling and adult children of narcissistic, dysfunctional and or emotionally immature parents. She offers a unique blend of therapeutic approaches to help her clients navigate their healing journeys. Heather’s deep empathy and expertise create a safe and nurturing environment for those dealing with a mental health issue. Her areas of expertise are anxiety, depression, grief, low self esteem, stress management, trauma, PTSD and navigating big life changes. Heather offers one on one sessions for people from Ontario.
To support individuals in finding the right therapeutic path for their unique needs, she offers a free Zoom chat where people can ask questions and determine if her therapy services are a good fit for their needs. To book an appointment, call the office at 519 830 7123 or use this link to contact us.