What is a Flying Monkey? Unmasking the Narcissists Footmen and the Top 7 Ways They Get Recruited
In the world of psychology and pathological relationship dynamics, the term “flying monkey” has gained notoriety alongside discussions of narcissistic abuse. Far from the whimsical creatures of “The Wizard of Oz,” flying monkeys in the context of narcissistic relationships are real people—friends, family, colleagues, or even strangers—who become unwitting (or sometimes willing) allies to a narcissist’s campaign of manipulation, control, acquisition of something (money, sex, resources, help, labour) and psychological harm.
What is a flying monkey? Understanding what is a flying monkey, how they operate, and why they play a pivotal role in the machinery of narcissistic abuse is essential for anyone seeking to recognize and escape these toxic patterns. Read on.
What is a Flying Monkey and Why Do Narcissists Employ Them to Do Their Dirty Work
At the heart of narcissistic relationships lies a fundamental drive: the manipulative, self-centered individual seeks to extract resources, validation, attention, and control from those around them. Their desires often extend far beyond material gain—while money, help, or labour may be clear objectives, they are equally hungry for admiration, emotional energy, and psychological dominance. These individuals treat others as extensions of themselves, sources to be mined rather than respected or cherished. Their need for superiority and admiration means they are constantly on the lookout for new sources of supply, reshaping relationships so that the other’s needs, boundaries, and well-being are sidelined in favour of their own gratification.
How Narcissists Get What They Want
Flattery and idealization may be used in the early stages, creating a sense of special connection or dependency. As the relationship progresses, manipulation escalates guilt-tripping, gaslighting, and emotional blackmail become commonplace tools. They may instigate triangulation—pitting people against one another—or leverage flying monkeys to do their bidding, isolating the target and amplifying pressure.
When their charm fails, threats and intimidation can follow, all calculated to secure the narcissist’s chosen prize, whether that be loyalty, resources, or unwavering attention. In this way, the manipulative, self-centered person orchestrates a cycle where others are continually compelled to give, often at great personal cost.
To acquire what they want, narcissists deploy a sophisticated arsenal of tactics designed to wear down resistance and maximize compliance. Some narcissists employ guilt and pity as finely tuned tools for manipulation, artfully casting themselves as unfortunate victims who lack opportunity, resources, or ability. They may adopt the posture of the “poor bird with the broken wing,” drawing in the sympathy and assistance of others.
By inspiring feelings of compassion or responsibility in those around them, they subtly compel people to provide help, support, or even material goods—never out of genuine need, but as a means of maintaining control and extracting supply. This behaviour often ensnares others in a psychological trap that echoes the roles in Karpman’s Drama Triangle.
The Karpman’s Drama Triangle
Karpman’s Drama Triangle is a framework for understanding dysfunctional social interactions, where individuals unconsciously slip into the roles of Victim, Rescuer, and Persecutor. In narcissistic dynamics, the narcissist may portray themselves as the perpetual Victim, luring a Rescuer to intervene while casting the target as the Persecutor. Recognizing the triangle involves noticing repeated patterns of blame, rescuing, and shifting responsibility—where roles are fluid and can change rapidly, yet always serve to perpetuate conflict and confusion. Awareness of these patterns is the first step in disentangling oneself from the cycle and reclaiming autonomy.
What is a Flying Monkey; Behold the Narcissist’s Footmen
Yet, when a narcissist’s direct efforts encounter resistance—when acting needy, charm, threats, or manipulation fail to yield the desired response—they rarely abandon their pursuit. Instead, they enlist others to act on their behalf, sending a new wave of intermediaries to extract what they cannot obtain themselves. These individuals might pressure, cajole, shame or even deceive the victim, furthering the narcissist’s aims while offering plausible deniability. Through these proxies, the narcissist multiplies their reach, intensifying the impact on their target and often deepening the confusion and isolation.
What is a Flying Monkey? The In-depth Definition
The phrase “flying monkey” originates from L. Frank Baum’s classic tale “The Wizard of Oz,” in which the Wicked Witch sends winged monkeys to do her bidding and harass Dorothy and her friends. In the realm of psychology, especially in discussions surrounding narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), the term is used metaphorically to describe individuals who carry out the narcissist’s wishes—often by attacking, manipulating, spying on, or intimidating the target of narcissistic abuse.
Flying monkeys may act out of loyalty, ignorance, manipulation, or even a desire for acceptance. They become extensions of the narcissist, amplifying their power and reach. While the narcissist is the mastermind, the flying monkeys are the agents who facilitate and perpetuate the abuse.
How Flying Monkeys Operate
Flying monkeys are recruited and deployed by narcissists in various ways. Their tactics can be subtle or overt, and their motivations can range from genuine belief in the narcissist’s narrative to personal gain.
What is a Flying Monkey and the Top 7 Ways They are Recruited
A “flying monkey” refers to someone who, knowingly or unwittingly, carries out the wishes of a narcissist—often targeting the narcissist’s victim through manipulation, intimidation, or other means. These individuals are not randomly chosen; rather, they are carefully enlisted through a combination of charm, misinformation, or emotional leverage. By weaving a compelling narrative, the narcissist secures allies who are willing to intervene on their behalf, expanding the reach and complexity of their influence. Read more about how they are recruited to do the narcissist’s footwork. The narcissist uses these tactic:
Charm and Persuasion
Narcissists often possess superficial charm and charisma, which they use to win over allies. They may present themselves as victims, painting the target as the villain in their story.
Manipulation of Information
The narcissist selectively shares information, distorts facts, and spins narratives that cast themselves in a sympathetic light. Flying monkeys, believing themselves to be acting justly, intervene or attack the target based on these half-truths.
Exploiting Relationships
Family members and mutual friends are prime candidates. The narcissist may play on feelings of loyalty, guilt, or obligation to recruit flying monkeys from the target’s own support system.
Using Authority or Social Standing
In workplaces or communities, narcissists may leverage their position to bring others to their side, convincing colleagues or group members to act as flying monkeys.
Coercion and Blackmail
In certain situations, narcissists may resort to subtle or overt forms of blackmail to recruit flying monkeys. By threatening to reveal secrets, spread personal information, or withdraw something of value, they pressure individuals into compliance. The fear of social, financial, or reputational consequences can compel otherwise unwilling participants to engage in the narcissist’s schemes.
Calling in Favours
Additionally, narcissists often exploit past acts of kindness or established debts, reminding potential flying monkeys of times they lent support or assistance. By framing their request as a “favour owed,” the narcissist manipulates the person’s sense of reciprocity, making it harder for them to refuse involvement.
Roles and Actions
Once recruited, flying monkeys may engage in a variety of actions aimed at furthering the narcissist’s agenda and undermining the target such as:
Spreading Gossip and Smear Campaigns
Flying monkeys frequently circulate false or damaging information about the target, working to isolate them both socially and professionally.
Gaslighting
They may dismiss the target’s feelings, deny events, or insist that the target is imagining things, deepening confusion and eroding self-confidence.
Harassment and Intimidation
Some flying monkeys take direct action against the target through harassing messages, social media attacks, or even in-person bullying and threats.
Monitoring and Spying
By keeping a close watch on the target’s activities and reporting back to the narcissist, these individuals intrude on privacy and reinforce the narcissist’s control.
Sabotage
In work or social situations, flying monkeys may actively undermine the target’s efforts, block opportunities, or interfere in relationships to hinder the target’s progress or happiness.
Guilt Tripping
Flying monkeys often exploit feelings of guilt, making the target believe they are to blame for the conflict, or that their actions have caused suffering, thereby manipulating the target into compliance or silence.
Triangulation
They may insert themselves as intermediaries between the narcissist and the target, relaying messages or distorting communications to escalate conflict and confusion.
The Persuader
Distinct among flying monkeys, the Persuader is skilled in the art of influence and subtle coercion. Rather than resorting to outright aggression or sabotage, these individuals employ charm, logic, or emotional appeals to sway opinions and reshape narratives in favor of the narcissist. The Persuader often acts as the “voice of reason,” gently urging others to see the narcissist’s perspective, dismiss the target’s concerns, or forgive harmful behavior. Their interventions can seem well-intentioned, making them particularly effective at sowing doubt and confusion while insulating the narcissist from accountability.
Withholding Support or Resources
Another tactic involves withdrawing emotional support, financial assistance, or crucial information, leaving the target feeling isolated, helpless, and more vulnerable to the narcissist’s influence.
Types of Flying Monkeys
Not all flying monkeys are created equal. Their level of awareness and intent can vary widely.
The Unwitting Flying Monkey
This type genuinely believes the narcissist’s version of events. They see themselves as helping, defending, or supporting the narcissist against perceived wrongdoing. Often, they are manipulated by persuasive storytelling, emotional appeals, or selective disclosure.
The Willing Accomplice
Some individuals are fully aware of the manipulation and choose to participate for personal gain—be it status, rewards, or shared malicious enjoyment. Often, these people may struggle with low self-esteem, low moral character or find themselves in a subordinate, follower role to the narcissist, making them susceptible to influence. In some cases, they are blackmailed or lured with promises or simply recognize the benefits of aligning themselves with the narcissist’s ambitions. These flying monkeys can be especially dangerous, as they may be strategic and proactive in their attacks.
The Recruited Adversary
A particularly insidious form of manipulation occurs when a narcissist enlists someone from the victim’s past—such as an ex-spouse—to amplify their campaign of undermining and discrediting the target. In these cases, the narcissist may appeal to lingering resentments, unresolved grievances, or the ex-partner’s curiosity, weaving a narrative that paints the victim as the true aggressor or wrongdoer. The narcissist often uses things their victim told them against them in order to recruit an adversary.
Take, for instance, a situation where a narcissistic individual, threatened by a former friend’s new beginning, seeks to cause turmoil in her life. The narcissist approaches the woman’s ex-husband, subtly dropping hints about her supposed “pattern of betrayal” and “untrustworthiness,” perhaps fabricating stories or exaggerating minor past conflicts. The ex-husband, still processing his own hurt from the divorce, finds a sympathetic audience in the narcissist, who validates his feelings and fans old grievances.
Gradually, the ex-husband is drawn into the narcissist’s web, convinced that he too was wronged and that uniting forces will serve justice or protect others. He may begin to contact shared acquaintances with warnings about his ex-wife, challenge her reputation in professional or social circles, or even participate in coordinated efforts to discredit her. All the while, the narcissist orchestrates events behind the scenes, ensuring that the victim appears isolated and under siege from multiple fronts—her adversaries appearing “objective” because of their prior relationship with her.
This tactic, leveraging a previous intimate connection, magnifies the harm: the victim is forced to confront not only the narcissist’s hostility but also the betrayal of someone who once shared their life.
The Opportunist
This type sees alignment with the narcissist as beneficial. They may act as flying monkeys to curry favor, gain access, gain money or acquire things or to protect their own interests, with little regard for right or wrong.
Consider, for example, a family where an adult child has distanced themselves from a narcissistic parent after years of mistreatment. The parent’s anger and demands soon shift to the remaining sibling—a brother—who becomes the principal recipient of the parent’s complaints and expectations. Finding the burden overwhelming and yearning for reprieve, the brother persistently tries to persuade the estranged sibling to reengage with the parent, often under the guise of “keeping the peace” or “helping the family heal.”
Yet, his true motivation stems from the desire to deflect the parent’s relentless negativity and to avoid shouldering all familial duties alone. In this scenario, the brother acts as a flying monkey, not out of malice, but from self-preservation and discomfort with his solitary role as the parent’s emotional outlet.
The Coerced Ally
At times, individuals become flying monkeys out of fear, obligation, or coercion. The narcissist may threaten, guilt-trip, bully or blackmail them into compliance.
The Psychological Impact on the Target
The presence of flying monkeys dramatically compounds the effects of narcissistic abuse. Instead of facing a single adversary, the target encounters an entire network orchestrated to destabilize and isolate.
- Isolation: Social circles shrink as friends and family are turned against the target. The target may feel abandoned, misunderstood, and alone.
- Self-Doubt and Confusion: Constant gaslighting and contradictory information erode the target’s sense of reality and self-worth.
- Anxiety and Fear: Harassment and ongoing surveillance can induce chronic anxiety and paranoia.
- Loss of Reputation: Smear campaigns can damage the target’s standing in the community or workplace, leading to missed opportunities and strained relationships.
- Emotional Exhaustion: The relentless barrage of attacks from multiple directions can leave the target emotionally depleted and hopeless.
The Top 5 Reasons Why People Become Flying Monkeys?
Understanding what is a flying monkey and why individuals take on this role is complex, involving psychological, social, and situational factors:
- Manipulation and Grooming: Narcissists excel at identifying individuals who are empathetic, loyal, or susceptible to manipulation. Over time, these people are “groomed” to respond as the narcissist wishes.
- Lack of Awareness: Many flying monkeys have no idea they are participating in abuse. They may not recognize manipulation or are unaware of narcissistic traits.
- Desire for Belonging: Humans have a natural inclination to seek approval, connection, and inclusion. Aligning with a narcissist can feel rewarding, especially if the narcissist holds power or popularity.
- Personal Gain: Some see opportunities for status, protection, or rewards by aligning themselves with the narcissist.
- Fear and Obligation: In families or close-knit groups, fear of reprisal, guilt, or obligation can strongly influence behavior.
Recognizing Flying Monkeys
Identifying flying monkeys in your life requires keen observation and emotional intelligence. Watch for individuals who:
- Seem inexplicably hostile, judgmental, or critical without clear cause.
- Repeat the narcissist’s talking points or defend them relentlessly.
- Attempt to isolate you from others or undermine your credibility.
- Dismiss your experiences or feelings, insisting the narcissist is misunderstood or blameless.
- Seek excessive information about your personal life and relay it to the narcissist.
- They know too much information about a situation that you did not share with them.
- Float in your circles where you have not noticed them before.
- Pass along messages and continue a relationship with the narcissist even when you ask them not to.
- Block you from being able to move freely certain ways, such as being independent, workplace, financially, social circles and with family etc.
- Appear to be spying or stalking you.
Protecting Yourself from Flying Monkeys
Dealing with flying monkeys is a challenging aspect of escaping narcissistic abuse. Here are steps you can take to protect yourself:
- Establish Boundaries: Limit interactions with known flying monkeys. Protect your personal information and be mindful of what you share.
- Seek Support: Build a network of trusted individuals who understand narcissistic abuse. Professional counseling or support groups can provide validation and guidance.
- Document Everything: Keep records of hostile encounters, harassment, or manipulation. This documentation can be vital, especially in workplace or legal settings.
- Educate Yourself and Others: Learn about narcissistic behavior and share resources with those close to you.
- Focus on Healing: Prioritize your mental and emotional health. Self-care, therapy, and healthy relationships are essential for recovery.
- Seek legal help: If someone is harassing you, protect yourself. Contact authorities, women’s shelters, local police or lawyers for advice.
Conclusion
Many people ask what are flying monkeys? They in essence are the enablers and amplifiers of narcissistic abuse, extending the narcissist’s reach and multiplying their impact. Whether acting out of ignorance, loyalty, or malicious intent, flying monkeys serve to isolate, confuse, and harm the target. Recognizing their role, understanding the tactics at play, and taking steps to protect oneself are critical for breaking free from the toxic orbit of narcissistic relationships. In the journey to healing, awareness is power—and with knowledge comes the ability to reclaim one’s life from the shadow of manipulation.
About
Heather Caruso is a compassionate, skilled, and intuitive therapist offering in person sessions in Guelph ON and online therapy. She is a registered Canadian art therapist, registered psychotherapist, specializing in trauma counseling, narcissistic abuse and adults of toxic parents. She offers a unique blend of therapeutic approaches to help her clients navigate their healing journeys. Heather’s deep empathy and expertise create a safe and nurturing environment for those dealing with a mental health issue. Her areas of expertise are anxiety, depression, grief, low self esteem, stress management, trauma, PTSD and navigating big life changes. Heather offers one on one sessions for people from Ontario.
To support individuals in finding the right therapeutic path for their unique needs, she offers a free Zoom chat where people can ask questions and determine if her therapy services are a good fit for their needs. To book an appointment, click the button below.