What is Coercive Control?
So, just what is coercive control? In essence, coercive control is a pattern of behaviours intended to dominate, manipulate, and undermine another person’s autonomy and sense of self. Unlike physical violence, coercive control is often subtle and insidious, involving continuous psychological manipulation, threats, humiliation, monitoring, and social isolation. The goal, therefore, is not just to harm, but to control every aspect of another person’s life. Importantly, coercive control is now recognized in many jurisdictions as a form of domestic abuse, even when physical violence is absent.
Imagine Sarah, a vibrant woman who once loved her job and her friends. However, lately, her partner insists on knowing where she is at all times. Additionally, he reads her text messages without permission, criticizes her clothing choices, and tells her she is “too emotional” when she tries to express how she feels. As a result, Sarah finds herself apologizing for things she hasn’t done, feeling isolated from loved ones, and doubting her own judgement. Consequently, she feels anxious, confused, and trapped—yet unsure why, because there are rarely raised voices or physical violence. Ultimately, this is the experience of many victims of coercive control: invisible chains that quietly erode their sense of self and freedom.
Motivations Behind Coercive Control
- Desire for Power and Dominance: Perpetrators want to feel superior and in charge, often compensating for feelings of inadequacy by dominating others’ choices and freedoms.
- Insecurity and Fear of Abandonment: Furthermore, some use control to prevent loved ones from leaving, monitoring their activities and discouraging outside relationships to reduce perceived threats.
- Need for Validation: Controlling others can temporarily boost the perpetrator’s self-esteem, validating their worth through someone else’s dependence or submission.
- Learned Behaviour: People who grew up witnessing or experiencing coercive dynamics may, as a result, replicate these patterns, believing control equals love or safety.
- Jealousy: Intense jealousy can drive a person to restrict their partner’s movements, communication, or even dress, under the guise of “protection.”
- Belief in Traditional Gender Roles: Moreover, some believe in rigid roles where one partner must submit to the other, using control to enforce these beliefs.
- Fear of Losing Control: Change, independence, or assertiveness in a partner can feel threatening; therefore, the perpetrator tightens their grip to maintain the status quo.
- Poor Emotional Regulation: Difficulty managing emotions like anger, frustration, or anxiety may result in harsh rules and unpredictable punishments.
- Manipulation for Personal Gain: Accordingly, coercive control may be used to exploit a partner financially, sexually, or in other ways for personal benefit.
- Mental Health Problems: Finally, some individuals with certain mental health diagnoses may use coercive behaviour as a maladaptive coping mechanism, although this is never an excuse for abuse.
Ten Ways Coercive Control Impacts Victims
- Loss of Self-Esteem and Autonomy: Victims often feel worthless and incapable. As a result, they may also feel trapped and unable to get away or make choices for themselves.
- Chronic Anxiety: They experience constant worry about triggering the perpetrator’s anger or disapproval.
- Isolation from Support Networks: Cutting off friends and family leaves victims without help or perspective. Consequently, this isolation deepens their vulnerability.
- Difficulty Trusting Others: After prolonged manipulation, trusting new people can be very hard.
- Depression: Hopelessness and sadness are common emotional responses.
- Physical Health Problems: Stress-related symptoms such as headaches, insomnia, or digestive issues often develop.
- Loss of Independence: Victims may lose the ability to make decisions freely or manage daily life.
- Hypervigilance: As a result, they are always on edge, anticipating criticism or punishment.
- Self-Doubt and Confusion: Victims question their reality due to ongoing gaslighting and manipulation.
- Risk of Escalation: Coercive control can escalate into physical violence or further trauma.
Types of People Who Use Coercive Control
Now that we have identified what coercive control is, it is important to learn who uses it. Anyone can become a perpetrator of coercive control, regardless of gender, background, or education. Nevertheless, certain characteristics and mental health diagnoses are sometimes associated with this behaviour. Perpetrators may display traits such as:
- A need for dominance and control in relationships
- Poor empathy and lack of remorse
- Manipulativeness and dishonesty
- Insecurity or intense jealousy
- Abusive tendencies
- Deviant behaviours
Some mental health diagnoses that have been linked to coercive and controlling behaviours include:
- Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD): Characterized by grandiosity, lack of empathy, and a need for admiration. For example, a narcissist may use coercive control by frequently belittling their partner’s achievements, insisting their own opinions are always correct, and emotionally manipulating their partner into feeling guilty for expressing independent thoughts or spending time with others. In addition, they might isolate their partner from friends and family, making their partner reliant on them for approval and validation, while subtly undermining their self-worth.
- Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD): In some cases, fear of abandonment can manifest as controlling behaviours. For example, they may threaten suicide or self harm if someone wants to leave them or they perceive someone as pulling away. Furthermore, they may try and isolate people from their friends because they are insecure with their partner having friends who may turn their partner against them.
- Antisocial Personality Disorder (ASPD): Marked by disregard for others’ rights, impulsivity, and lack of remorse. For example, an individual with ASPD might use coercive control by consistently ignoring their partner’s boundaries, intimidating them with threats or aggressive behaviour, and manipulating situations to maintain power. Additionally, they may exploit their partner’s vulnerabilities, use lies or deceit to isolate them from support systems, and show no guilt for the harm caused, often blaming the victim for any conflict or distress.
- Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder (OCPD): May involve rigid control over routines and relationships. For instance, a person with OCPD might exert coercive control by strictly dictating how daily tasks should be performed—insisting their partner follows exact routines for household chores, meal times, or social activities. If these routines are not adhered to, they may become distressed or angry, criticize their partner for any deviation, and use guilt or pressure to enforce compliance. Over time, this can create an environment where the partner feels unable to make independent decisions or express their own preferences, leading to isolation and a loss of autonomy.
It is important to note that not everyone with these diagnoses engages in coercive control, and not all perpetrators have a formal diagnosis. Instead, personality traits, life experiences, and societal influences also play major roles.
How Therapy Can Help Victims of Coercive Control
Therapy provides a safe, supportive environment for victims to process their experiences, rebuild their self-esteem, and develop healthy coping strategies. Through individual, group, or family counselling, survivors can:
- Understand that the abuse was not their fault
- Reconnect with their own values, preferences, and goals
- Learn to set boundaries and recognize red flags in future relationships
- Process and heal from trauma-related symptoms like anxiety or depression
- Re-establish connections with supportive people
- Regain confidence and independence
Therapists may use approaches such as trauma counseling, brainspotting therapy for trauma processing, mindfulness-based stress reduction and other tools such as cognitive-behavioural therapy (CBT), DBT, internal family systems and empowerment-based counselling to guide recovery. Furthermore, community support groups and advocacy services can also be invaluable sources of validation and practical assistance.
Conclusion
In summary, coercive control is a deeply damaging form of psychological abuse that impacts countless individuals, often leaving invisible scars. Therefore, recognizing the patterns, understanding their roots, and seeking support are crucial steps towards safety and healing. Whether you are a survivor, a support person, or an advocate, awareness and compassion can help break the cycle of control and restore hope to those affected.
About
Heather Caruso is a compassionate, skilled, and intuitive therapist. She is a registered Canadian art therapist, registered psychotherapist, narcissistic abuse therapist, specializing in trauma counseling and adult children of narcissistic, dysfunctional and or emotionally immature parents. She offers a unique blend of therapeutic approaches to help her clients navigate their healing journeys. Heather’s deep empathy and expertise create a safe and nurturing environment for those dealing with a mental health issue. Her areas of expertise are anxiety, depression, grief, low self esteem, stress management, trauma, PTSD and navigating big life changes. Heather offers one on one sessions for people from Ontario.
To support individuals in finding the right therapeutic path for their unique needs, she offers a free Zoom chat where people can ask questions and determine if her therapy services are a good fit for their needs. To book an appointment, call the office at 519 830 7123 or use this link to contact us.