What is Splitting? The Basics

What is splitting? The term “splitting” was first coined by Swiss psychiatrist Paul Federn, but it became widely known in 1952 through the work of Ronald Fairbairn, a Scottish psychoanalyst. Ronald Fairbairn explored how what is splitting shapes our relationships and defences, showing that it often happens when people cannot hold both positive and negative feelings at the same time. Splitting refers to viewing people as all good or all bad, and no in between.

So, what is splitting? It is a way our minds try to protect us from mixed emotions. Splitting is a psychological defence mechanism in which a person perceives others or situations in extreme, either-or terms—everything is seen as completely good or completely bad, with no shades of grey. These sharp changes in attitude can place a significant burden on relationships, leading to confusion and emotional distress. As a result, many people seek assistance from therapists who specialize in narcissistic abuse for support and guidance.  

7 Common Ways People Display Splitting

1. In Friendships. People who use the defense mechanism of splitting tend to react severely to misunderstandings, errors, flaws or may skew reality and turn on people. Take Jake and Bea: after two years of friendship, Jake often sings Bea’s praises. Yet, when Bea cancels lunch due to a last-minute work meeting, Jake instantly labels her unreliable and selfish, giving her the cold shoulder. Unable to forgive a simple mistake, Jake abruptly ends the friendship, claiming Bea can’t be trusted.
2. At Work. What is splitting at work? Splitting at work can show up in everyday tasks and interactions. For instance, Gina loves her job—until she hates it. One day, Gina is thrilled to manage a beauty salon. When Sally, the front-desk worker, forgets to put out the sidewalk sign, Gina overreacts and puts Sally on a performance plan. After the shop owner steps in and gently reminds Gina that a simple nudge would have been enough, Gina quits on the spot, claims she hates her job, the people and she’s in a toxic work environment. That’s splitting; all-or-nothing thinking with no middle ground with her job, she hates it, her boss and the employees.
3. In Relationships. One partner in a relationship feels their partner is flawless, but after a disagreement, views them as entirely bad. Consider this: Joe uses his wife Sally’s car and leaves half a tank in it. Sally explodes, calling him inconsiderate for not topping up her gas tank. Sally doesn’t speak to him for a week. Joe didn’t see the need for gas yet, because there was half a tank left. Joe is confused because when Sally drives Joe’s car, she doesn’t top up his tank either. Suddenly, Joe goes from hero to zero.
4. At School. Picture this: a college student, Alex, absolutely adores their psychology professor, Dr. Lee, especially after acing the first major assignment. For weeks, Alex raves to friends, “Dr. Lee is the best—you can really tell she cares!” However, when midterms arrive and Alex receives a disappointing grade, everything suddenly shifts. In a flurry of frustration, Alex grumbles, “She’s so unfair! How could she mark me so harshly?” With no room for shades of grey, Dr. Lee is now seen as a villain, nothing in between. This dramatic flip-flop, fuelled by strong emotions and rapid judgements, is a classic example of what is splitting in the college classroom. You may also see it with classes, schools and classrooms not just teachers.
5. With Family. Imagine this: Lisa always thought her older brother was her rock—he was the one who showed up, offered advice, and cheered her on when times were tough. She would often say, “You always help me. I can count on you for anything.” However, one afternoon, after Lisa shared some exciting news, her brother gently pointed out a flaw in her plan. Suddenly, Lisa’s feelings shifted; she stormed off, convinced, “You never support me! You are heartless” The warmth and support she felt earlier seemed to vanish completely. Instead of holding both love and disappointment at once, her view flipped from admiration to resentment, leaving no room for a balanced perspective. These rapid emotional swings are a classic example of splitting, where mixed feelings simply don’t get a seat at the table.
6. In Media. At first, Jamie was captivated by the latest pop sensation, raving to friends that the star was “absolutely amazing.” Every new song was a hit; every interview was flawless. Their voice was undeniably perfect. However, when the tabloid reported that the singer married a divorcee, everything changed. Overnight, Jamie’s admiration flipped. Instead of defending their favourite celebrity, Jamie declared, “I can’t stand them anymore!” The shift was dramatic. Once filled with excitement and loyalty, Jamie’s perspective became intensely negative. This sharp swing from adoration to disdain, with no space for forgiveness, humanity or nuance, perfectly illustrates what is splitting in the world of pop culture. One moment, a celebrity seems perfect: the next, they’re completely written off—no middle ground in sight.
7. Community. At first, she admired a fellow church member. She noticed their kindness and warmth, feeling grateful for their friendly words each Sunday. But one day, after sharing a personal story, she sensed the person didn’t listen as closely. They glanced away. She felt ignored. Suddenly, her feelings changed. Instead of seeing a caring friend, she saw someone cold and dismissive. In her mind, they became uncaring, even cruel. There was no middle ground. She sensed that people at church were speaking ill of her. The person and church were either wonderful or terrible—nothing in between. This rapid shift, fuelled by hurt and disappointment, is splitting. One moment, she feels accepted; the next, completely rejected. There is no space for complexity or understanding that people can be both kind and distracted. Transitioning from trust to suspicion happens in an instant. It could happen in cultural, social or religious communities as well.

13 Ways Splitting Impacts Recipients

1. Splitting can cause confusion for the recipient. They are praised one day, criticized the next, without warning. It can leave the person wondering what they did wrong and how things got so bad so quickly.
2. It often leads to hurt feelings. The sudden shift from good to bad feels personal. For instance, a partner feels loved, then rejected and mourn the loss of that relationship.
3. Recipients may feel anxiety. They never know how they will be viewed next. A coworker might be nervous about being liked or disliked at work. They may wonder what they are walking into from one moment to the next.
4. Splitting can damage trust. People fear inconsistency and unpredictability. For example, a family member feels they cannot rely on stable support.
5. It may lead to isolation. Recipients withdraw to avoid the roller coaster of emotions. A classmate might stop interacting to protect themselves.
6. Recipients often doubt themselves. They question their worth and actions. For instance, a teammate wonders what they did wrong after being shunned.
7. It can cause resentment. People feel unfairly judged or misunderstood. For example, a student resents a teacher who suddenly switches from praise to criticism.
8. Splitting may result in arguments. The black-and-white views spark disagreements. Two friends might clash over sudden changes in attitude.
9. Recipients sometimes mimic the behaviour. They start seeing things as all good or all bad too. For instance, a colleague begins to view others in extremes.
10. It can affect mental health over time. The stress of unpredictability builds up. A loved one may feel depressed or anxious after repeated splitting.
11. Splitting can create trauma. The trauma response of fawning is often seen because recipients may attempt to please or placate the person displaying unpredictable behaviour in hopes of avoiding criticism or rejection. People feel like they are walking on eggshells. The constant uncertainty and desire for approval can lead individuals to suppress their own needs and opinions, focusing instead on keeping the other person happy to maintain a sense of safety and stability.
12. Splitting can create trauma bonds between individuals. The cycle of unpredictable approval and rejection fosters intense emotional connections, as recipients become emotionally dependent on the hope of regaining approval and avoiding further distress. This repeated pattern may make it difficult for individuals to leave unhealthy relationships, as the highs and lows reinforce attachment despite ongoing harm.
13. Moreover, splitting can lead to significant cognitive dissonance. When individuals are forced to hold sharply opposing beliefs about themselves or others—sometimes within a short span—they experience mental discomfort and confusion. This tension arises because their brain struggles to reconcile the “all good” or “all bad” perceptions, often leaving them feeling conflicted and uncertain. As a result, they may find it difficult to make decisions or trust their own judgement, which can be both exhausting and distressing. The inner battle to rationalize these extreme viewpoints adds another layer of complexity to their emotional experience, making splitting not just a social challenge but an internal one as well.

What Do People Gain from Splitting?

While the consequences of splitting can be deeply disruptive, it’s important to consider why people continue to use this defence mechanism. Interestingly, splitting offers some immediate—though often unhealthy—benefits that make it appealing in moments of stress or uncertainty. By dividing the world into extremes, individuals may feel a sense of relief from ambiguity and vulnerability. Here are six things that people often gain from splitting:

• Protection: Splitting helps individuals shield themselves from emotional pain by avoiding complex feelings, people and situations.
• Power: By positioning themselves or others as entirely good or bad, people may gain a sense of control over their environment and relationships.
• Narcissistic Supply: The defence mechanism can fuel a continual need for admiration, validation, and attention from others. They may find people fawn over them or grovel to stay in the splitter’s good graces which rewards the behavior.
• False Self-Esteem: Seeing oneself as flawless or superior to others, even temporarily, provides a boost in confidence—though it’s often fragile and short-lived.
• Clarity: The stark divisions created by splitting can make decisions feel simpler, as there is no grey area to navigate. The person splitting may feel comfortable navigating a middle ground and its easier to only see two sides.
• A Simple Choice: Splitting is a negative defense mechanism that is emotionally immature. It creates a simple solution to emotions, choices and relationships, its either this or that, not both.

Who Uses This Defence Mechanism?

What is splitting, and who uses it? Many people use splitting as a defence mechanism. It is common in different personality disorders but can happen to anyone under stress occasionally.  Splitting helps people avoid feeling overwhelmed by seeing only one side at a time. However, what is splitting doing for people? Read more about who uses it and how it presents. It often prevents healthy relationships and realistic thinking.

Splitting and Narcissistic Personality Disorder

People with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) often use splitting. What is splitting for them? It is a way to protect their self-esteem. They see themselves or others as perfect or worthless, with little in between, making relationships unstable. People with NPD use splitting to create a situation where people fawn over them. It keeps them destabilized and they create intermittent rewards so that it makes it difficult for a person to break away, forming a trauma bond. It also can make the person with NPD feel superior because someone else is inferior. Splitting can protect their fragile ego. People with NPD and ASPD share similar traits. Both lack empathy, which makes it easier to split and not see that people are simply human beings.

Splitting and Antisocial Personality Disorder

Antisocial personality disorder (APSD) can also involve splitting. They can have similar traits to narcissists. What is splitting doing for them? It helps individuals avoid guilt or responsibility. They may see others as enemies or allies, switching quickly if they feel threatened. A person with ASPD may use splitting to justify their own deviant behaviors towards others because they can dehumanize people so that they feel just in taking advantage of others.

Splitting and Borderline Personality Disorder

Splitting is very common in borderline personality disorder (BPD). What is splitting doing for people with BPD? It occurs when people cannot tolerate mixed feelings, leading to rapid shifts in how they view people. Relationships feel like “all or nothing” adventures. They see people as all good or all bad with no in-between. The characteristics of people with BPD are that they often perceive real or imagined abandonment from others. They have difficulty trusting themselves and others, making them susceptible to projecting their fears of abandonment and suspicions on to others. This can lead to frequent splitting and difficulty in relationships.

Splitting and Schizoid Personality Disorder

People with schizoid personality disorder may use splitting too. What is splitting doing for them? It helps them cope with uncomfortable emotions by keeping people away. They may see the world in simple, divided categories to avoid emotional pain.

Splitting and PTSD

Splitting can appear in people with PTSD. What is splitting doing for trauma survivors? It is a way to manage strong feelings by separating “safe” from “unsafe” people or situations. This defence can help in the short term but often makes healing harder when it is a form of avoidance.

Benefits of Therapy for Those Affected by Splitting

Therapy offers many benefits for people affected by splitting in abusive and narcissistic relationships. It provides a safe space to process the pain of manipulation, emotional instability, and trauma bonds. Through professional guidance, individuals can rebuild trust in themselves and others, recognize harmful patterns, and develop tools to break the cycle of abuse.

• Helps individuals identify and understand the effects of splitting in their relationships
• Provides tools for managing their situation and emotions
• Supports healing from trauma bonds and emotional manipulation
• Encourages development of healthier boundaries
• Fosters greater self-awareness and emotional resilience
• Improves communication skills for more stable and fulfilling relationships
• Helps people process their traumatic experiences

With support, people learn the effects of splitting, so it does not control their lives. Therapy can make a big difference for both the person using splitting and those around them.

Conclusion

So, what is splitting? It is a defence mechanism where people see things or others as all good or all bad. Although it can help protect feelings in the short term, it causes big problems in relationships and daily life. By learning more about it, who uses it, and how therapy can help, everyone can take steps towards healthier ways of thinking and relating to others.

About

Heather Caruso is a compassionate, skilled, and intuitive therapist. She is a registered Canadian art therapist, registered psychotherapist, narcissistic abuse therapist, specializing in trauma counseling and adult children of narcissistic, dysfunctional and or emotionally immature parents. She offers a unique blend of therapeutic approaches to help her clients navigate their healing journeys. Heather’s deep empathy and expertise create a safe and nurturing environment for those dealing with a mental health issue. Her areas of expertise are anxiety, depression, grief, low self esteem, stress management, trauma, PTSD and navigating big life changes. Heather offers one on one sessions for people from Ontario.

To support individuals in finding the right therapeutic path for their unique needs, she offers a free Zoom chat where people can ask questions and determine if her therapy services are a good fit for their needs. To book an appointment, call the office at 519 830 7123 or use this link to contact us.